Monthly Archives: September 2020

.thankyou for asking.

thank you for asking and the answer

would be quicker if I had cut my nails

to bounce the keyboard here

 

funny you should ask as i was thinking

over this yesterday while walking

 

how

 

it felt unfair that after all those years

of housekeeping

keeping his house clean

tidy, fitting in with all his

timetables and breathing

 

not breathing

 

that

 

she had to  go to the home quietly

where she remained quietly

 

her daughter also went later

and remain quiet

 

i lived in a home in milton road

milton house, place of nighmare

for us kids

 

wettened beds

stinking laundry

 

deleted

 

so I stayed quiet

 

so thank you so much for asking

and being so thoughtful yet  I tell

 

you clearly

that I do not want a care situation ever

for all the good it will do, so i won’t stay

 

quiet now

forgive me

 

I hope your dad had green in his view

 

other colours too

 

 

.start right.

i had summer and winter shoes.

summer brought traditional sandals
white nubuck leather mainly
though sometimes red
never brown

the next year Mum cut the front out

our toes peeped through for playing
for paddling

I dont remember plimsoles really
only that yellow pair for when I went away
and it was then I had lace ups
the only time ever

lately in chester I asked for lace ups
the assistant asked what I meant
so I said

she replied no that she only had shoes
with laces see

in the winter I wore strap shoes
always red
sometimes
double strap
a treat

mum said in the war she would walk
with the boys up in the pram to look
for somewhere with shoes for sale

sometimes she bought them little leather
boots to wear with the knitted suits

that had to be washed carefully

i still have the photographs
I do not have those brothers
no more

i have the other one
born before me
after the war.

.after bright.

wonder where I went that day
after being sacked 

i would have gone back home
if I had of had such a thing

i may have looked in the posh shoe 
shop window for comfort

that store figured a lot in my early days
losing myself in the display, styles 
and colours

I bought a pair once
they let me pay the four pounds 
weekly
as I did not earn much more than 
that weekly

only on tuesday did we discuss our
lack of money then
now with lockdown
we spend little
though we have

more

coming in back home with those
shoes she laughed then scolded me

who do you think will look at you
notice you

at work the upholstery assistants
laughed

I still like shoes james
and boots

and my home

#russell&bromley

.brights.

place became of importance
after not having nothing a while

back then

so moving on

i tell you about my situation back then

she called me in gave me a talking to

a difficult situation
i balanced the books
kept them neatly
sat at the desk obediently 

listened to her & her manager 
though I did not understand 
the chatter 

liked the restaurant staff
counted in & out like they

said

the next morning I went in
to find another girl at my desk
in the talking to me

she had sacked me & I did

not understand 

I had nowhere to go

now I value my place

yet often do not understand 

ask for things in writing

to read over.

and over

.horsham.

have heard dark stories 
on crossroads
seen the films

cages

i intend to write more about mother 
her slight appearance 
later neatness

her enthusiasm a while for new
clothes

if I carefully mentioned I liked them
she would buy the same for me

unfortunately for me

it lasted a while
until she failed

a lockdown

her shape changed with age
as we do

dresses became more the thing
with belts

man made materials
with all those idiosyncrasies 

static and snagging

i walked then too
down the river and along 

sadly

.to do.

told her that next I will do the stairs down 

when she asked what that meant

i explained it was how my mother spoke

her language 

to do meant to clean

thus

to do the stairs down

was to sweep then wash them

from top to bottom

she did the bedrooms on thursday

the lounge on monday

et cetera

she cleaned the home a lot

my mother

then in the afternoon if fine

would wash and change and go 

out often to town on the bus

if she was well and buy herself something

she was a size 12 at the top

14 lower down

if she was ill she went to bed early

now I may understand 

too late

so today I may do one of the rooms here 

reminiscing

.114.

see the softest looking clouds
wonder
if that is where that work came
from
and the joy of pink?

with gentle grey

the wind blows round our houses
water recedes
stories change

it was later that afternoon that
the rain stopped so we stepped 
out a while 
down to the bell field

three miles there and back
they say

noting the markers are moved

the car park is back open with
a sign of guidelines
to be kind

the grass is being cut at the caravan park 
the tent field flooded

they will come tomorrow 
it will still be quiet today

talking 
it feels some folk are the same
no need to hurry
no need for changes yet

there is a mark on my ankle
and it is getting bigger

there is a story regarding work
that keeps changing

no number

..113..

dogs.

i miss her eyes, her looking up, back at me
the sound of her running the stairs scratching the door when it slammed shut in the wind

so i imagine your dog
from the description you gave

me

got no walk yesterday for heavy rain
nor today by looks of it

things come together
things are changing 

rattles the brain
until things drop into place
and we move forward knowing

i am a fortunate even though

you made a positive change 
i find my words come the same

now with one finger
the pointy one
the one i point with

you know on the bus with her
then 
at horses, helicopters and planes

dogs

now I indicate invisible with my mind
unless I forget

though we won’t go on buses now

i count in the last day tomorrow 
for although we must stay safe
i do not want to count forever

james

i note the weather this morning
from the small bedroom window
see
the water is up on the field 
flooding
while I am dry indoors

cosy

.112.

awake early to rain on the window
severe piano music from the radio

cosy up a while
with tea

your words took on a different tone than
the cycling tales 

I appreciate this

today here
comes another announcement 
predicted it will be dropping the

present travel restriction 

yesterday came energy
with words from another

with a sudden burst late 
the grass was cut though
was sent cross eyed back

into the house with hunger

new recipe awaited
what I invented &
I expect someone else
invented it before sometime

rhubarb delivered after
from the family garden

james

to be cooked today
some frozen in small portions

when young I ate it raw
on the bus home from work

my mother told me it clears the blood
while vinegar changed it to water

things to tell a child

I wonder about the taste of tea
as I drink it

about the summer clothes not worn this year
mainly in workwear
with heavy boots
that take days to dry out

sheltering

.111.

just words added together making phrases

slogans 

programmed I guess
without anyone noticing 

until they do
of course

then comes embarrassment
on realisation

it means nothing

we prefer it this way

i have been imagining and that is all it is

invented scenarios in my mind

james

how are you guys doing over there now?

at first here it felt difficult for me
for shopping and other tasks

gradually 
we found our way
now it is the way 

of life

rang the helpline about my laptop james
he says he thinks we are the virus on this
earth that kills the trees and animals 

that kills each other

i walk each day
&
some days stay dry

forever imagining